Read Me.

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 14:44:56 GMT

i just woke up from a dream and tom was in it. i dont remember much but i like went out of my way to chill with him and some girls called him to buy them liquor so i went with him and it turned into us chillen all night and so i was worried that my mom was going to be pissed but instead of going home i like went to help larae set up a mini sale of clothes? i dont know it was weird.

but i really really hate dreaming about tom. it puts me in a bad mood all day.

its been a while

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:17:17 GMT

iv been rereading a little bit of this journal and it made me so full of emotion i felt i had to post. the bliss that was in my heart a year ago is gone. i love my life now, and i know i have made healthy decisions since then...but i miss being in love and carefree. i want to find my "parallel" again. and the saddest part, the very worst, heart wrenching part, is that it will never again be in tom. he has changed so much in this past year, i barely recognize him. everything irrational that i rationalized for him is back to basics. he is completely out of control. maybe i am, too. every day i wake up, run errands, go to work and then smoke weed. its a calm life for the summer but i know it is all about to change.

going back to new paltz is going to be fulfilling. i miss my friends and my life and i even miss classes. i changed my major: from english to communication disorders. theres drama at school though. the guy i was hooking up with at the end of the year and into the summer is living next door to me in my dorm. if that's not bad enough, he's living with 5 guys from a DIFFERENT frat then he's in and that probably aren't going to like him. and i'm friends with these guys. AND. 8 freshmen biddies got the corner suite (which we should have gotten) and are pretty and that's just annoying. sorry i sound like a huge stuck up bitch but this is my journal so fuck offff. but yeah.

still though, new paltz is where i feel at home and ruby and i are shopping for our room and stuff i got a new comforter and shitt and im going to make a collage tomorrow :)

love-fever

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 03:50:52 GMT

tom is a fucking asshole and i can't believe he is throwing two years of friendship away because he is a bitter, sad, man. he continuously humiliates me and he makes me so mad. we arent even together and yet i still feel horrible. i hate how im on the verge of tears all the time. he isn't hurting, why am i?

fuck you.

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 19:28:31 GMT

I learnt the hard way
That they all say
Things you wanna hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under
You and Your twisted words
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

i know i was the one to leave, but to find out that you have betrayed me in this way is beyond all of my low yet fair expectations of you.

i am faulted but i still fault you.

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 17:43:06 GMT

i am not into the idea of living without you...

BREAKING UP SUCKS.

loves college

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 23:22:01 GMT

i love np. seriously its amazing. i went home this weekend and i just wanted to be back here, its so weird. its so much easier like having my own room to just come back to and a place where there is always food and shit because last year it was harder. so much is provided for me here as opposed to last year when i had to do everything myself. the work is a little intense but its really not any worse then last year. im finding a good balance.

i love my suitemates. ruby rachel and jena are the best. we all get along so well and its just fun. me and jena just got back from the gym, me and ruby are roomates and me and rachel are cig buddies. i dont know we all just fit together. loves it. emma and nora are cool too but i dont know they are a little stuck up and weird hippie kids. which is fine. we all watch antm together and eat popcorn.

i love having stef here too, its so nice. we get dinner alot and shes introduced me to so many people. i love ittt.

things between me and tom are weird. i dont know what i want any more. oh well, im going out tonight to kappa sig and im just going to forget that it's tuesday and that i have class at 10 tomorrow. :)

<33

one of the most fucked up songs i have come across

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 22:56:49 GMT

"Dance With The Devil"

[Verse 1]
I once knew a nigga whose real name was William
His primary concern, was making a million
Being the illest hustler, that the world ever seen
He used to fuck moviestars and sniff coke in his dreams
A corrupted young mind, at the age of thirteen
Nigga never had a father and his mom was a fiend
She put the pipe down, but every year she was sober
Her sons heart simultaneously grew colder
He started hanging out selling bags in the projects
Checking the young chicks, looking for hit and run prospects
He was fascinated by material objects
But he understood money never bought respect
He build a reputation 'cause he could hustle and steal
But got locked once and didn't hesitate to squeal
So criminals he chilled with didn't think he was real
You see me and niggaz like this have never been equal
I don't project my insurecurity's at other people
He fiended for props like addicts with pipes and needles
So he felt he had to prove to everyone he was evil
A feeble-minded young man with infinite potetial
The product of a ghetto breed capatalistic mental
Coincidentally dropped out of school to sell weed
Dancing with the devil, smoked until his eyes would bleed
But he was sick of selling trees and gave in to his greed

[Hook]
Everyone trying to be trife never face the consequences
You propably only did a month for minor offences
Ask a nigga doing life if he had another chance
But then again there's always the wicked at new and advanced
Dance forever with the devil on a code cell block
But thats what happens when you rape, murder and sell rock
Devils used to be gods, angels that fell from the top
There's no diversity because we're burning in the melting pot

[Verse 2]
So Billy started robbing niggaz, anything he could do
He'd get his respect back, in the eyes of his crew
Starting fights over little shit, up on the block
Stepped up to selling mothers and brothers the crack rock
Working overtime for making money for the crack spot
Hit the jackpot and wanted to move up to cocaine
For filling the scarface fantasy stuck in his brain
Tired of the block niggaz treating him the same
He wanted to be major like the cut throats and the thugs
But when he tried to step to 'em, niggaz showed him no love
They told him any motherfucking coward can sell drugs
Any bitch nigga with a gun, can bust slugs
Any nigga with a red shirt can front like a blood
Even Puffy smoked the motherfucker up in a club
But only a real thug can stab someone till they die
Standing in front of them, starring straight into their eyes
Billy realized that these men were well guarded
And they wanted to test him, before business started
Suggested raping a bitch to prove he was cold hearted
So now he had a choice between going back to his life
Or making money with made men, up in the cife
His dreams about cars and ice, made him agree
A hardcore nigga is all he ever wanted to be
And so he met them friday night at a quarter to three

[Hook]

[Verse 3]
They drove around the projects slow while it was raining
Smoking blunts, drinking and joking for entertainment
Untill they saw a woman on the street walking alone
Three in the morning, coming back from work, on her way home
And so they quietly got out the car and followed her
Walking through the projects, the darkness swallowed her
They wrapped her shirt around her head and knocked her onto the floor
This is it kid now you got your chance to be raw
So Billy oaked her up and grapped the chick by the hair
And dragged her into a lobby that had nobody there
She struggled hard but they forced her to go up the stairs
They got to the roof and then held her down on the ground
Screaming shut the fuck up and stop moving around
The shirt covered her face, but she screamed the clawed
So Billy stomped on the bitch, until he broken her jaw
The dirty bastards knew exactly what they were doing
They kicked her until they cracked her ribs and she stopped moving
Blood leaking through the cloth, she cried silently
And then they all proceeded to rape her violently
Billy was meant to go first, but each of them took a turn
Ripping her up, and choking her until her throat burned
A broken jaw mumbled for god but they weren't concerned
When they were done and she was lying bloody, broken and broos
One of them niggaz pulled out a brand new twenty-two
They told him that she was a witness of what she'd gone through
And if he killed her he was guaranteed a spot in the crew
He thought about it for a minute, she was practicly dead
And so he leaned over and put the gun right to her head

[Sample from "Survival of the Fittest" by Mobb Deep]
I'm falling and I can't turn back
I'm falling and I can't turn back

[Verse 4]
Right before he pulled the trigger, and ended her life
He thought about the cold pain with the platinum and ice
And he felt strong standing along with his new brothers
Cocked the gat to her head, and pulled back the shirt cover
But what he saw made him start to cringe and studder
Cuz he was starring into the eyes of his own mother
She looked back at him and cried, cause he had forsaken her
She cried more painfully, than when they were raping her
His whole world stopped, he couldn't even contiplate
His corruption had succesfully changed his fate
And he remembered how his mom used to come home late
Working hard for nothing, cause now what was he worth
He turned away from the woman that had once given him birth
And crying out to the sky cause he was lonely and scared
But only the devil responded, cause god wasn't there
And right then he knew what it was to be empty and cold
And so he jumped off the roof and died with no soul
They say death take you to a better place but I doubt it
After that they killed his mother, and never spoke about it
And listen cause the story that I'm telling is true
Cuz I was there with Billy Jacobs and I raped his mom to
And now the devil follows me everywhere that I go
Infact I'm sure he's standing among one of you at my shows
And every street cypher listening to little thugs flowe
He could be standing right next to you, and you wouldn't know
The devil grows inside the hearts of the selvish and wicked
White, brown, yellow and black colored is not restricted
You have a self destructive destiny when your inflicted
And you'll be one of gods children and fell from the top
There's no diversity because we're burning in the melting pot
So when the devil wants to dance with you, you better say never
Because the dance with the devil might last you forever

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 18:02:36 GMT

loves being cheated on

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 22:19:04 GMT

so im staying in tonight because going out every single night for a week does this thing to me where i dont feel good. i miss tom, i miss my sanity. i love college but i keep forgetting that its not just a vacation its not just camp i live here now for the next 9 or so months andi have to be productive. i want to join a club or something because i think that going to the frat every night to get drunk is boring. i mean when im there im having fun but then when i wake up with the worst headache and a guilty concience...i rethink my actions. okay. later.

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 23:10:16 GMT

i love new paltz !

mainee...

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 03:01:10 GMT

maine was spectacular. i love tom and i love maine and being in the woods and driving around in the minivan and getting high and eating mcdonalds and then fishing. napping in the hammock and going to pacos tacos and sitting around a campfire with sheltered maine kids drinking a box of wine. sleeping and being awakened by the sun and having sex in the morning and being in love. i hate saying goodbye and crying all the way from damariscotta to boston and then crying from boston to new york and finally getting a hold of myself at the trainstation. i am scared to go to college in 4 days and im even more scared of not being strong enough to make this relationship work. i want to drop out of college and get married and have babies, but just for a minute. and then i realize that i want to be an influence on peoples lives and i have to go to school for that kind of thing. and that if this is real, if this is what im supposed to do forever...then it can wait for years and it will grow and expand into a life i was meant for.

and if not, then i hope whats there for me is as fufilling as what i have now.

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 13:18:07 GMT

things are nuts as usual, todays my last day at work...

im going up to maine on monday until thursday and then i just have the weekend and then im gonee baby. i have no idea how all my shit is gunna get done. oh well, itll happen i guess.

i dont want to go to work. boo.

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 13:30:03 GMT

i am just filled with this utter sadness and frustration at the complexity of my life.

tom left today and i wont see him for at least 5 weeks and thats if he can come up and see me. i have never cried this much in my life. this feeling of emptiness and lonliness is literally choking me.

i love you i love you i love you

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 14:27:42 GMT

so me and tom had that talk.
you know the one you have before you leave for school and everything changes...i told him how upset ive been feeling and that i never wanted us ot hate each other and i aksed him if he thought it was better if we just ended things now? he disagreed, wants to try. i told him that if things dot work out i need him in my life still. he didnt really understand but i told him that after a year, i cant just cancel someone. and i would never want to cancel him. he was my first love, my first alot of things. sex turned into love making, i had split in two. i care for him as deeply as i care for my self and my own success.
but on the other hand, im going to a new school with drinking and drugs and crushes and boys and lots of work. and iwant to experience it all and not feel held back and upset all the time. so i told him this....again he was wondering why i was so worried.

and he asked me to marry him. its not the first time, but he sounded really serious. all i said was...i dont want to marry you. and he said i know you want to marry someone with a car and money and ambition, and i didn't say anything. because that isn't true, well maybe the ambition part but thats reasonable.

i dont know. maybe im stupid and making a big deal out of noting but i know i want to go out and experience new things while still having him as my best friend, my confidant, my strength

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 16:48:41 GMT

i get so mad sometimes that i just want to fucking explode

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 18:43:58 GMT

hey. things have been pretty okay, toms leaving august 6th for maine and then going straight to school which is gay because that gives me like absolutely no summer with him. :(

larae moved in with me on friday, its been going pretty well. we do our own thing while also hanging out with each other so thats fun.

todays the fourth of july and i have noo plans, i want some. any ideas?

<3

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 02:16:37 GMT

wowowowowow

i had a really really good time at prom and mostly afterprom. everyone was just drunk and naked and in the most gorgeous house ever. holla.

hola

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 20:20:58 GMT

the last week of school is gay because i have so much shit to hand in.
also, my boyfriends mother kidnapped her other son and drove to pennsylvania because she had a manic episode. thats just great. everything is fucked up.

otherwise, ive been living my life the way that i want to, partying all the time, hanging out with the people that i love and rarely brushing my hair :)

these photos sum up my high school career (in random order):

Fri, 11 May 2007 01:49:35 GMT

im happy that three out of four of my family are here and im happy that we can drink together and talk about politics and life.
im sad that im failing some school and i hope that everything works out.
college ? yesssssss.

hey im a little buzzed so disregard this post

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 17:34:20 GMT

fun weekend :)

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 03:45:26 GMT

my life has gotten very simple.
it's okay.

i am kind of looking for some excitement though.
who's got some?

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 23:10:23 GMT

my spring break has been kind of annoying. but fun. i guess. i haven't gotten drunk once, i've just been smoking a lot of weed and sleeping and driving everywhere. i went and looked at MCLA today and it was nice but not for me. new paltz 11 ! :)

dno what im doing tonight but i have beer and i would like to get crunk'd. :D

FLAVOR ICEEEEEE

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 23:28:32 GMT

love partying till 5 am <3 at mist
love chillen relaxing all sunday
love not having school tomorrow :)

ew

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 14:24:05 GMT

why do i keep getting violently ill? fucking rediculous.

i had to call out to work today because i know just being around food will make me vomitros all over the place. gross. toms at work all dayy..:(..im supposed to go to a club tonight, lets see what happens hah.

spring break? starting off dissapointingly.

update.

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 01:44:55 GMT

so life has been okay lately..i was in a really bitchy mood today and im not srue why. it might have to do with the fact that i woke up with my eye fucking hurting alot. the future is frighteninggg. prom, graduation, summer, college. bam. where will me and tom be in a year? i have never been so in love with someone in my life. no one can understand what its like sitting on a rock by a dried out pond and watching him walk around and slipping and running and grabbing me by the waist and pulling me in backwards.

he got a job! hes working alot :( but i know he'll like it. and i'll get to reconnect with my friends. ive been a bad friend lately, getting way too wrapped up in my own shit and not caring enough. some of my friends are assholes though, but then again its only highschool.

i'm getting my nose repierced tomorrow, i miss it wayy too much. and it looked hot on me, we know this. :) i keed i keed. im pretty satisfied with life right now. i miss my parents, though. i miss coming home to my mother smoking in her chair with a book resting on her lap. i miss hearing the garage door opening and my father coming into the kitchen to wash off the grease from his hands. i'm super lonely for a shopping trip with mom and then dinner afterwards. i'm lonely for my dad yelling at me for spending too much money on nothing and then laughing about it and telling me that i'm his bean, i'm his girl.

love, love love.